SEA 2200H
In between jetlag and epiphanies atm
Finally in Seattle. We had a shitstorm of problems to face after it was announced that the flight was canceled that everything became another set of blurs in my mind.
Ever since my dad died I think my brain unconsciously began compartmentalizing. As the eldest daughter, part breadwinner in an Asian household, I guess that was an inevitable shift.
But along with that shift was my realizing that I seemed to think of my dad less. I ride a roller coaster of emotions day in and day out, but I seem to have forgotten to feel my loss.
I’m admittedly a daddy’s girl. He knew things that not even my mom and brother knew. So me realizing that I haven’t thought of him as much made me panic a little. I felt like I was betraying him. Like I’m leaving him out of my life.
My partner’s aunt and uncle live in Seattle. Ever since I started flying there, they've never missed picking me up. We didn’t really do much. Sometimes it was just lunch or dinner (or both), other times they bring me somewhere nice like a garden when I asked for cherry blossoms. Or remembering how I loved flowers in general and bringing me to a tulip festival that was hours away of a drive.
Mostly we just yap about whatever’s been happening back here. Yes, it’s sometimes tea on the other relatives, but more often than not it was like I was catching up with people my entire life.
My mom and I have had a strained relationship for the longest time. At some point I’ve learned to tune her out and just coast through life, but that’s another story. Recently we’ve been working on it, but prior to that I’ve had this feeling that I had no more parent left alive.
The aunt and uncle subconsciously somehow filled that hole. I only realized three years into knowing them.
It’s not even in the material aspect of it. It was the effortless communication. The concern. The smallest things about me, who’s not even their direct relative, remembered. They were vocal about being happy to have me as an “adopted daughter.”
I’m not forgetting that I have my mom and we’re working things out. But now I think Dad’s been sending me people to give me the parts of him that I’ve been missing.
What else have I not been seeing?
Okay bye I’m sobbing now and I gotta sleep for the flight back home.